Can People Really Change? Here’s What I Think

The other day on Instagram, someone sent me an unexpected follow request. To my surprise, my ex-best friend sent the request. Seeing her name on my screen made me freeze. 

Why was she trying to follow me now? Our friendship had ended on bad terms, so why would she try to reconnect on social media? After everything that had happened, why would she reach out?

At first, I didn’t know what to do. But, as I went through my notifications, I accidentally deleted the request. Part of me felt relieved, even though it was an accident. It saved me from making a decision I wasn’t ready for. 

But it also stirred up something I hadn’t thought about in a long time: 

Can people really change?

A few years ago, I would have told you, without hesitation, that people can change. But now, I’m not so sure.

I think we, as humans, evolve. We mature, go through experiences that teach us lessons, and sometimes  soften our rough edges. We find new hobbies, develop new interests, and go through traumatic events that shape our world view. These things may shift parts of who we are, but they don’t fundamentally change us. They just help us grow into more refined versions of ourselves.

Consider this: have you ever met up with friends from high school after not seeing them for years? Maybe you expected things to feel awkward or different, but instead, it feels like no time has passed. You find yourselves laughing at the same jokes and reminiscing about the past. In many ways, you’re still those same people, just with a few more years of life behind you. 

But on the flip side, think about the high school “mean girl.” Maybe she’s not tormenting anyone in the hallways anymore, but she’s that coworker at your workplace. She’s the person who laughs when you drop your papers instead of offering to help. While the setting may have changed, she’s still the same person. 

So, have these people really “changed?”

That brings me to the next question, an opposite scenario: what if someone acts in a way you’ve never seen before? Does that mean they’ve changed? In my opinion, no. People don’t suddenly turn cruel or unkind. Instead, they show you who they truly are. They also had those traits; they simply  lurked beneath the surface,  waiting for the right moment to come out.

This realization can be hard to accept. We want to believe that people are inherently good, that they’ll grow out of their negative behaviors, and that time heals all wounds. But sometimes, the truth is that people don’t change—they simply become more of who they’ve always been.

In my case, seeing that follow request from my ex-best friend made me question whether she had changed, or if she was still the same person who hurt me years ago. And while I’ll never know for sure, I believe that, deep down, she’s still the same. Sure, she might have learned some new things along the way, gained new experiences, and evolved in some ways. But at her core, I suspect she’s  the person I remember.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe we shouldn’t expect people to change, but learn to accept who they are. After all, growth and evolution differ from change. We can grow into better versions of ourselves, but our core traits, the ones that define us, often remain the same.

In the end, I don’t regret deleting the follow request. It gave me a chance to reflect on how I’ve grown. More importantly, it helped me realize that my experiences, both good and bad, shaped me into the person that I am today. 

While we all have the capacity to evolve, expecting someone to change completely might  be asking too much.

Featured image via Kelly Kiernan on Unsplash