It’s been a while since we parted ways, last spoke, or even saw each other. And yet I still have a soft spot for you. I still like you. Everyone has told me that my feelings will pass, just like the pain I was feeling after I was left heartbroken. But it hasn’t changed no matter how many times I reflect on the negative or recognize new warning signs from the past.
Despite all of this, I’m always left wondering: why do I still like you after everything you’ve done?
Why do I put you on a pedestal when someone asks me about you?
There’s nothing negative I can say about you to people because I don’t want to tarnish your name — even though I know I have the material to do so. Why do I still prioritize you when you do come around? I know you would never do the same for me. Still, time after time I find myself getting ready and walking out the door when my mind is screaming ‘no.’
Why do I miss you?
Is there even anything for me to miss about you? From mixed signals, confusing stories, unanswered texts, to spells of disappearances, why the hell do I miss you? You were barely even present before. Hell, whether you were around or not, I was always left doubting myself and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why should I miss you when you are barely even a person to me anymore?
Why do I check my phone hoping to see your name pop up?
I’m aware that it won’t, nor is there any indication that you’ll reach out anytime soon. But I still hope it happens and wish to see it. It’s not like you’ll want to start things over or apologize, so what am I even hoping for when I want to hear from you? I guess I just want to believe I mattered to you, and maybe still do?
Why do I keep creating scenarios about you in my head?
I know they won’t actually happen, but I find an odd sense of comfort when I have them. It’s like I still have a piece of you. And that’s satisfying enough — it fulfills whatever my heart is looking for.
Why am I still focused on my false hopes about you in my head?
I know the reality. You’re just another guy who hurt me and will only do it again if I allow you back in my life. I want to think you’ll come to your senses or change, but deep down I know you won’t. I can’t help myself from pretending you’re better than who you were in the past, but I secretly hope the lies I tell myself are true.
Why do I still want you even after everything you’ve done to me?
You’ve provoked millions of tears and hours of self-doubt. You’ve diminished my self-worth and confidence, and you truly turned me into a person I didn’t recognize for a long time. I let you treat me like shit and allowed it in hopes you’d change — knowing you wouldn’t. How could anyone willingly want to be with someone who caused all of that pain?
We’ve had our ups and downs — quite frankly, more downs than ups. And we’ve had our moments of intimacy and betrayal. But nothing would beat the greatness I felt when I was under the illusion that you actually liked me too. Not even the intense pain I felt when I learned it was all a lie. I was there just so you had someone to occupy your time with. But I still can’t forget the occasional feelings of bliss with you.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why I torture myself when it comes to you. Likewise, I truly think there’s something wrong with me to continuously do this regardless of how toxic this is to my health. I know I deserve better. And I have the confidence to prove it, I know I do, but I can’t help it when it comes to you. And I’ll never understand why I still like you.
Photo by Elia Pellegrini on Unsplash
