I can feel it in my soul: I’m not okay. I’ve noticed myself starting to slip into a dark hole and can feel it gradually getting darker. I see my reflection in the mirror crying more than I see it smiling. I’d rather be in bed alone than in the company of the ones I love. I have no reason to be so miserable, yet I can’t force myself to be happy.
Part of me wants to talk about my problems but I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know how to even express how I’m feeling or what I’m going through. It’s not like I don’t even know where to start, because I do. But why should I express it to people who are only going to diminish my feelings or try to judge who is struggling more?
I’d rather suffer in silence than be told, “I feel bad for you.”
I’m watching all of my friends succeed while I’m stuck in the same place. They’re falling in love, getting promoted at work, buying homes, and making money moves… Meanwhile, the only move I’m making is to go to my fridge. I’m happy for them — I genuinely am. But I don’t think they believe I’m being genuine because my negative aura is just too strong.
When I try to do the things that spark a little bit of light in me, the light flickers. I may be happy for a while, but that feeling subsides quickly. I try to go for walks to make myself feel better, but instead, I wander helplessly without even looking for cars. If I get hit — oh well. And that thought scares me, that I literally just don’t care at the moment because I’m not okay.
In fact, the thought of death absolutely terrifies me. Why do we get brought into this world and why are we taken away so fast? What happens when we die? Will heaven be like I’m living in a dream or a continuation of what life is like on Earth? My heart literally drops when I consider that one day I won’t be here anymore and I’ll blackout for the last time.
I don’t want to end my life, but I know I’m not happy with mine at the moment.
Truthfully, I know my problems aren’t bad enough to complain about. I have a roof over my head, I’m only relying on myself instead of a family, I have people who love me in my life, and I have food and clean water to survive on. Why can’t I be grateful enough to appreciate what I have while others are literally dying for the things I have and take for granted?
I know what rock bottom is like; I’ve seen it and I’ve been in worse positions than where I am now. But I still can’t help but feel the dirt burying me deeper and deeper every day this goes on.
I’ll continue to act like I am to shelter myself against judgement during a time of vulnerability. It’s easier to do so and to avoid making people uncomfortable. I’ll have plenty of fake smiles. I’ll repeat, “I’m okay,” until the cows come home. And if I act differently around people and they notice, maybe I’ll say something. I just want genuine support, not pity.
Things will get better as time goes on and I know whatever funk I’m in will eventually dissipate. Until then, I’m just trying to make it through each day and pinpoint why I am the way I am.
Photo by Naomi August on Unsplash
I hope you have been finding ways to be happier. 2020 was a rough year and while 2021 is better, we still have a ways to go. And, if there were a simple answer to happiness, you would have found it (as you write articulately and seem to be intelligent).
I suspect the reason you’re not happy is because having a roof over our heads and people who love you is different from finding something that fuels a passion, and a passion is what motivates us to get up and look forward to the day. I would encourage you to meet new people and try different things – and yet even as I write this, I understand that it’s difficult to have a yeah attitude when your head’s not there. So maybe first, you pick one thing to do for yourself that makes you happy. It could be aromatherapy or a good energy meditation YouTube. It could be a rescue pet or joining a group even if all you want to do is listen. It could be journaling. It could be a 15 min walk with the intention to get to 30 minutes and then walk every day. (I knew an Olympic runner who got interested in running when she ran to the doughnut bakery).
If you want a professional to talk to, don’t let an artificial stigma stop you. You didn’t mention a lifetime of unhappiness. It’s a moment in time where you might need someone else’s wisdom and will learn from the experience.
I wish you happy and since we don’t live in a state of constant happiness, I also wish you content.
Hi Erikka, thank you so much for your kind and powerful words. I couldn’t agree more and value what you said! These tools are able to help so many and I’m so glad you shared them. I sincerely hope you, and others reading this, find peace and happiness through all the madness that is life.