To My Ex,
Life was really hard after we ended. My whole life felt like it was shattering. You were my longest love, the person who I thought I would marry. I thought I would spend forever with you.
Unfortunately, “forever” turned into about two years. Two years of my life that I dedicated to loving you more than I loved myself. I spent those two years losing myself for a guy who didn’t do the same for me.
I could have spent that time figuring out who I am since you were doing that for yourself. Instead, I spent that time blaming myself for our fights because I believed that I wasn’t good enough for you. I thought that there was something wrong with me for wanting to go out and have a life outside of dinner at home and foreplay in your bedroom.
Worst of all, though, I blamed myself for your unhappiness and our failing relationship.
When I was with you, I thought I didn’t deserve happiness. I thought I didn’t deserve someone who would do anything to make me happy. I don’t know why, but I thought the only happiness that mattered was yours.
If I knew then what I know now, though, I would have done it differently. I would have loved myself more than loving your happiness. I would have felt comfortable enough with myself to not worry every time I saw you with other girls. If I knew then what I know now, I would have realized that I should listen to my anxiety, not just brush it off. If I knew then what I know now, I would have known that I shouldn’t feel “grateful” for what you do for me because you should have done those things naturally.
Most of all, if I knew then what I know now, I would have known that I matter too.
Our relationship put me in a constant battle of comfortability. I constantly fought with my conflicting desires to feel comfortable and my need for happiness. Thankfully, though, that battle is now over.
Now that we broke up, I want someone who will take my happiness into consideration. I want someone who will make me feel comfortable with myself. I want someone who will love me endlessly and take care of me when I need it most. But, most importantly, I want someone who will do things for me because they love me, not because they see my happiness as a chore.
Even though it took me a while to realize what I needed, I want to thank you. Thank you for showing me what I need and deserve in a relationship. Thank you for setting me free into a world that I never knew existed — a world where I know how to love myself and know my worth. Thank you for showing me what I want in a relationship.
Sincerely,
The Girl You Let Go
Photo by Ceyda Çiftci on Unsplash
