“My dad died when I was eleven years old” is the typical answer I give people when we get to know each other and my dad is brought up for the first time. Those nine words make people very uncomfortable. And I see how antsy they become when I continue to talk about the topic.
I discovered that what scares people the most is that I still talk about my dad like he is still alive and actively involved in my life. Yeah, he is dead. But the truth is that he is still very much a part of my everyday life. I think about him when I laugh so hard that a part of his laugh comes out in mine. I mention him at Yankee games when I see another kid enjoying baseball with their dad. I tell stories about him when others talk about their fathers because although he isn’t here anymore, at one point in my life, I had one too.
When I have to make a choice, I keep him in mind and consider what he would do.
I see him in the chair across from me when my mom and I go to our favorite restaurant. I imagine him sitting on the couch talking to my husband about sports during a football game. I see my dad everywhere. I feel his presence too, which still makes him feel very alive, even if it isn’t physically. To me, he is still here in all the good and bad moments.
It’s important to talk about the people you love, especially those who are gone. When you share memories, stories, and moments with those who have died, you keep their memory alive and honor their legacy. They say a person dies twice: once physically and the second when their name is mentioned for the last time.
The people in my life now and all those I will meet will never get to meet him. That makes me unhappy. But knowing that people will know him through me gives me peace.
So, if you have a friend who lost someone they love and they still talk about them as if they are still here, let them.
No one lives forever. But talking about lost loved ones helps people keep them alive. It also helps them process grief and find the comfort and support they might seek. If someone does this around you, it is because they feel safe around you. Instead of changing the subject because it makes you feel uncomfortable, take great joy in the fact that this person is opening up a part of themselves to you and, in some ways, want you so badly to know about the person they love so much.
I will always talk about my dad. I want to remember the stories about him. I want to be able to remember his laugh and voice. I want to remember what it felt like to hug him. I want people who never met him to feel like they know him. I want my future children to understand that they would have had a grandfather who would love them deeply if he was still here. If I keep talking about him to everyone I know, at least a small part of him will always be here with me, even if I can’t keep him here physically.
Featured image via Mikael Stenberg on Unsplash
