To my anxiety,
For years, you tried to control my life. You watched me fumble with social interactions and made others misunderstand me. Thanks to you, I’ve had panic attacks over “little” things, like building up the courage to ask someone for the time.
I’ve questioned my friends and family about their intentions because you’ve made me feel so scared they would hurt me. Sometimes people have actually hurt me, and I wondered why you didn’t warn me sooner. Sometimes I cut friends off, and I blamed you later when I realized they wouldn’t hurt me.
You made me fear crowds the same way that others fear drowning. In those moments, my breathing got heavier. My head began swirling with rapid thoughts as I walked faster and faster. I felt like I lost control.
How do I control my surroundings? How do I control myself?
I tried to control every piece of my life until I realized that I couldn’t. I don’t have the power to control my life. But this thought makes me anxious as I look back at the situations I’ve found myself in because of my anxiety.
Now, I look back at the events I never attended because I felt too scared to leave my bed. I look back on the people I could’ve befriended if I hadn’t scared myself out of getting to know them. I think about the words that I never said and the thoughts that I never fully processed.
The reason that I can’t control myself is because you control me, anxiety.
Seven months ago, I walked into my doctor’s office to make a choice that even you couldn’t stop me from making. I asked for help with my anxiety. My doctor provided me with anxiety medication and gave me recommendations for therapists. I now take my medication regularly and see a therapist for my anxiety.
When I made those choices, I started to take control of myself again. I feel as if my life has no limits. I now work toward earning my college degree. I lost 30 pounds. And I started getting out of my comfort zone — I now take hip-hop dance classes. I also have an amazing support system.
But honestly, anxiety, you made me more empathetic. You helped me see that I care for others unconditionally. I can now fully appreciate the good that came because of you. Even now, you sometimes show up, but I know how to get you to leave.
Thank you, anxiety, for helping me grow into the fearless person I am today.
Photo by Etty Fidele on Unsplash
