For six months, I will travel in my minivan through Spain and Portugal. Following the sun, learning to surf, volunteering with animals, learning how to homestead, and connecting with other wandering spirits, I sometimes have doubts about this nomadic life and if it’s the right decision for me, especially when I see friends happily settling down, buying homes, and starting families.
But then, I think about my ancestors, especially the rebellious women who didn’t have any other options but to settle down and have families, like my great-grandmother who had a family but couldn’t handle it and ran off to Vegas, or my grandma Shirley who dreamt of being an archaeologist discovering ancient ruins but ended up raising seven kids and hemming the neighborhoods’ pants for extra cash. I imagine them and others sitting around a card table playing poker in the sky, laughing hysterically, and cheering me on as I bravely carve out a new life path for those who come after me.
This poem, “BIG, big,” bled out of me right before embarking on my new alternative lifestyle. Here’s that poem:
They ask me who I am,
We don’t recognize you anymore, they say.
I shrug my shoulders sheepishly, hoping that will subdue their judgment
The discomfort makes my skin crawl
But they don’t buy it and know something is off
They want answers
I wait for their puzzled looks to disappear, but they don’t
They wait patiently for me to continue
The pressure of their eyes weighs heavily on me, and I feel like I might crack.
After a few moments, I stepped closer to the podium and cleared my voice.
“I am BIG, big.
I have yet to see what I am fully capable of, but I feel a big, big energy looming, propelling me forward.
What mountains will I climb?
What depths will I explore?
Whose hearts will I ignite?
There is no telling where this path will lead me, but I vow to always move with fervor and fluidity.
Fervor and fluidity
Fervor and fluidity
No place, relationship, or identity can contain me fully
Watch me, all of me, bleed out into all the places I land
Watch me fill up a room with my wholeness, by beingness, my enoughness
I am big, bigger than big, I am me.”
I see a few of them dab their tear-stained cheeks. They are speechless, but their eyes seem to convey an inner knowing, “we knew you had it in you. We are so proud. We love you.”
I let out a sigh of relief and slowly stepped back from the podium. My bare feet sank into the ground below. Am I home?
Suppose you’ve felt like the hats you’ve been wearing no longer fit like you’ve outgrown the dusty identities you’ve acquired since before you landed on this Earth. As if the depths of your soul want to be expressed but no longer fit the mediums you’ve grown comfortable with adorning – perhaps it’s time to journey into the unknown and carve out a new path. Even if you feel like it’s a lonely life endeavor, you are supported by those who came before you and appreciated by those who come after.
Featured image via Drif Riadh on Unsplash
Beautiful!
it is awesome
We need this type of fullest poem in our lives, we lose our motivation due to some hardels. But we read this post for living life fullest inspiring.
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This is one of the best poems I have read. Thanks