Never in my life have I felt as manipulated as I currently do. Surely, there were times when I realized that some toxic people had their own agendas. But now I have realized how damaging other people can be.
I recently had to call it quits with a certain friend with whom I’ve just reconnected. I thought that reconnecting with people from my youth would be quite an interesting experience; after all, it may lessen the impact of the traumatic events that I faced as a teenager.
But little did I know that perhaps reconnecting with this one person wasn’t worth it.
When we first rekindled our friendship, we decided to go on adventures together and explore new places. Venturing out of the city was one of my favorite hobbies, and I was glad to share these moments with a companion. The adventures started as fun; we went to amusement parks and nearby towns.
But this person quickly decided to use my favorite activity against me. It all started when I decided not to go on a trip with them.
When I refused, they decided to lash out and guilt-trip me instead of accepting my decision. The guilt-tripping continued to the point where I was forced to go on the trip. This experience traumatized me, and even though I decided to communicate my thoughts with said friend, they were incredibly dismissive towards my emotions.
The pattern of guilt-tripping and manipulation would continue until it became too much for me to handle. The person then started to morph me into a friend they wanted, someone who would share their interests and act as they deemed acceptable. They would force me to watch shows I didn’t like while making fun of my interests.
The friendship became so draining that every interaction with the person would end with me lashing out or becoming very frustrated.
Their words and actions still affect me despite cutting that friend off.
Sometimes, I feel a sense of self-doubt. I undermine my own skills and often question if I’m making the correct decisions. When I approach new tasks, I frequently lack confidence because I believe I’m not cut out for the particular activity. However, after reflecting on my feelings, I began to notice that these doubts may result from that friendship. The person always doubted me and pointed out my weaknesses while focusing on their own strengths.
Even now, I still feel frustrated about how much I had to tolerate from the person. I would go on trips even when I didn’t feel my best just because they would guilt me into going. And I would also have to agree with their opinions and perspectives, regardless of how ridiculous I felt about them.
So when people tell me I should just let the friendship go, I don’t know how to respond.
On the one hand, I’m happy it’s over. But on the other hand, I’m angry about what I had to endure. I had to compromise a lot of myself and my values just to be this person’s friend. Even then, they decided to disrespect my interests and disregard my emotions.
The recovery after ending a toxic friendship is difficult.
Many may feel a sense of dread and frustration due to their experiences. People are expected to compromise who they are in a toxic friendship without realizing it. And that, in itself, can be quite challenging.
So, if you just recently cut off a toxic friend, undoing the effects can definitely be daunting. It can be hard to forgive yourself. However, deep down inside, you know that you deserve better. And you know you don’t deserve the disrespect from someone who posed as a friend.
Featured image via Angel Balashev on Unsplash
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