I became disabled by chronic illness in 2010 after major leg surgery. My doctor’s theory is that during this traumatic surgery, I had a cytokine storm that killed my gut organs and damaged my vagus nerve and other organs.
Before getting sick, I was an elite athlete. But once I could no longer ski, I lost touch with most of my ski friends. Some special friends have stuck out the difficult years with me, and I am so grateful for that. I’ve also gained many friends along my healing journey.
Having friends with chronic health complications has made me have to face death and grieve them at a young age.
I have lost handfuls of friends to anorexia, suicide, gastrointestinal complications, starvation, heart attacks, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, and other chronic conditions.
My closest friend passed away from a heart attack in 2020 but visited me during my two near-death experiences.
Having friends in hospice and on palliative care in their 30s highlights my poor health status. When all my friends were struggling but managing okay, I could ignore how sick my body was. I felt invincible because I survived dying twice.
But now that two of my friends are actively dying at ages 30 and 32, I cannot ignore the fact that I, too, am in palliative care. And I, too, will have a shorter life than I had hoped.
I love my friends and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But I do get anxious every time a text comes through from someone very ill.
I dread the message that says they have passed away. And then I look at my own life and get scared because I’ve come close to death many times. My doctors say it’s a miracle I’m still alive.
Friendships show us what we need to see, even if it’s painful. And having friends who are on their deathbeds is immensely stressful. But loving someone unconditionally because you can relate to them in a way that nobody else can is the gift that comes from these friendships.
I love you, my chronically ill friends. You keep me sane when shit hits the fan. And I’ll always love you no matter which side of the veil you’re on.
Featured image via Atahan Demir on Pexels
