When I was a kid, I decided I didn’t want to get married or have kids. I didn’t have a backup plan for pursuing a passion or a career, and my interests often changed. All I knew was that I didn’t want to wear a stupid poofy white dress, I didn’t want to change my last name, and I didn’t want to change diapers and stay up all night with crying babies. The fact that I am an older sibling with four younger than me, all close in age (2-4 years between each), might have influenced the decision.
As a feminist, that was a perfectly sound conclusion! I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, like conform to society’s idea of growing up as a woman and becoming a wife and mother. It’s perfectly fine for other people, but just not for me. Knowing that I would find my own path in life felt empowering.
However, as many who chose this path, I realized that it’s not easy.
This is not only because finding your own path can be difficult and take years but also because people will tell you that you have to have kids to live your life to the fullest.
Many are told, “It will change when you meet the right person!” or “You’ll change when you mature more, and you’ll want kids!” That’s exhausting to have to put up with all the comments from relatives, coworkers, and even doctors about what we will eventually want. They act like they know our lives better. I would rather stay childless out of spite, let alone feminism!
The pressure from parents to give them grandkids is no small task.
And I get it. For many previous generations, having a family was not a choice; it was just a phase of life. People were ostracized and cut out from their families if they deviated from the norm. Their financial dependence on a spouse meant there was no choice. That’s why Generation X has the highest divorce rate. They felt obligated to settle down into the next part of adulthood, marriage, and babies before they could figure out if that was even what they wanted.
“But you will meet the right person, and it will all change,” they say. “It seems like a burden until you have a baby in your arms to love unconditionally!” they insist. It seems like an awful lot of hoops to jump through just to convince me to make a permanent, life-altering decision, doesn’t it? To heck with that!
Except for a tiny problem.
I did meet someone. And I wanted to marry them so hard. We were just right for each other. And now… I do want kids!
Does that mean the people trying to convince me to conform to housewife standards were right all along? So, it is about finding the right person? No! I still did not do anything traditional since my marriage is anything BUT heterosexual.
Now that I have had time to finish college, move away from my parents, get a job and insurance, get married, and do other adult stuff, I have discovered a lot about myself and what I want my life to look like. And it turns out that having a family is a part of that. I have so much love to share, and I want little ones in our house to put finger paintings on our fridge. I want to take them to the zoo and help them grow into amazing adults.
Does that mean I advocate for others to take the mantle of raising a family? No! It’s truly not for everyone.
In that regard, I can hold onto some feminism since I can agree that it is an individual’s choice and nobody else’s. It is not up to me to persuade them to either side.
However, a small part of me will have to admit that some people trying to persuade me were right in the end. It did all change when I met the right person and had time to mature. Part of me is glad I never followed up on my teenage ambition to have a hysterectomy because I wouldn’t even have the option to change my mind. The teenage me wanted nothing to do with children or periods, and even though that younger me was somewhat valid, the older me wants something different now.
We all constantly change. The older I get, the more I learn and grow. And part of that is that now, I want to have a family with my wonderful nonbinary wife when we are ready and able to do so.
Featured image via Thiago Cerqueira on Unsplash
