My first instinct is to rush toward any and all chaotic situations. I have a deep desire to help others in need, stemming from child abuse that no one noticed for 25 years. As a child, I desperately craved help. I longed for someone to protect me from the pedophiles in my life. I learned early on that I don’t matter, my needs, wants, and boundaries are unimportant, and I come last — no matter what.
Since I’ve lived with these beliefs for so long, I have developed an impulsive desire to save others. All my friends call me their “therapist.” Anyone who’s struggling, even a stranger dealing with difficult problems that I haven’t experienced, tugs at my heartstrings. I have to force myself to not bombard others with help.
Recently, I realized that I can’t save everyone. It’s neither my job nor my responsibility to save anyone but myself. And if I put myself last all the time, I can’t help anyone.
As a kid, I’d give myself the mismatched fork when I set the table so that nobody else felt “less important.” I didn’t care if I felt worthless because my purpose in life was to keep my family happy and safe. This is because abusive boys threatened me and said that if I told anyone about what they did to me, they’d kill my family and my pets.
I used to have a recurring dream that a giant bear came into our yard while my family played there. In my dream, I needed to pick each family member up and carry them to my bedroom closet to keep them safe. As soon as I’d put my last family member in the closet, the bear would eat me. I’d wake up in a panic.
Due to my trauma, I’ve spent the last 14 years in and out of mental health treatment centers. But it wasn’t until recently that I had an epiphany: I have a deep desire to save others like I needed to be saved as a kid. Now, however, l know that I’m the only one who can rescue myself. Furthermore, if I don’t set boundaries for my own wellbeing, I won’t be there to protect and rescue others.
Pieces of my inner child were neglected and alone. When I feel drawn to rescuing others, I turn my attention inward (as hard as that is) and ask what my parts need. My parts need reparenting. They need safety, rest, love, and connection. And they need to be put first for once.
If I can’t save myself, I can’t save anyone else. Perhaps it’s time to give myself the “good fork” at dinner. But how do I set these boundaries when friends say that they need me?
To be honest, setting boundaries with friends is hard for me. When friends bombard me with texts, putting my phone on airplane mode helps. I always respond later, but in the heat of the moment I need to step back and not get swept up in their struggles.
One of the worst feelings is needing help but not receiving it. That’s why I always suggest that my friends reach out to a professional during a crisis. I am not my friends’ therapist. I’m not qualified to give medical or mental health advice. I can be a listening ear, but sometimes my friends’ issues penetrate my being and leave me feeling scared, anxious, and weighed down.
When a friend’s in crisis, I typically do self-care activities so that I’m in a good place to help them. I sew gifts for my friends. I make dolls and stuffed animals for sick children. Also, I paint my feelings, listen to soothing music on repeat, or write. I also try to play with or snuggle my dog and watch my favorite comfort show, “Gilmore Girls.”
If you find yourself attempting to save everyone but neglecting your own needs, remember what flight attendants say before takeoff: “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” We can’t help anyone else if we don’t have any energy left, so we need to set boundaries.
Caring for myself above others goes against every fiber of my being, but the painful truth is that we can only save ourselves. However, when we take care of ourselves, we have a greater capacity to support our loved ones. So take care of yourself before you hand someone else your oxygen mask. You deserve care too.
Featured Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash.
