So you’ve found yourself the perfect guy that you would like to date, marry, and have lots of adorable babies with. But a problem soon arises: He’s looking for nothing serious and just wants you to be his booty call. His weekend hookup girl. His f*ck buddy. You should feel beyond special right now. Out of the millions of women in this world, you were the Chosen One, the Harry Potter of his bedroom! Now you have to make a choice: Either jump into his twin-sized bed in his mother’s basement or sit at home alone with your dog, eating Doritos while watching countless reruns of Sex and the City. Your decision is simple.
Here’s why you SHOULD be on his speed dial as “Speedy Delivery”:
- It saves time.
Relationships are time-consuming. Back in the day, it was like a business relationship, complete with phone calls and dinner. Now you have to include texts, FaceTime, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. Lucky for you, you are not a girlfriend, so now you have more time to watch documentaries on African worms or whatever you choose to do with your nights. Do your thing, girl, this is a no-judgment zone.
- It saves money.
Honestly, who wants to spend their money on someone else when you can go out and buy yourself something fun like a motorized scooter or the complete collection of Game of Thrones? Your bank account definitely remembers all the times your ex-boyfriend “forgot” his wallet at home when you were on your hot date at Taco Bell or when you had to bail his drunk butt out of jail for getting too close to animals at the zoo again. All you need now is enough money for gas to get to and from that twin sized bed!
- Respect.
Who needs it? It’s overrated. I mean, seriously, if you are looking for some respect, get a kid that you can discipline and scare the hell out of. Let’s be real: Kids are way less work than boyfriends and are also way better behaved.
- Yoga pants.
No longer just for yoga class! You don’t have to bother being cute anymore. Put away the dresses and save the makeup for another night when it counts. The lighting is dim in his mother’s basement anyways, so for all he knows, you could be Kim Kardashian ready to make sex tape number 2!
- No jealousy/trust issues.
No need to worry about trusting him, because you have no claim on him! No need to be jealous of the girls that he is talking to on Bumble. You’re both free to run around and do your own thing. Just make sure you get an STD test after you do that walk of shame.
- Sleep.
Not only will you be getting in a good workout, but you’re no longer losing sleep over some idiot! How many times did you have a fight about him training to be the next Vin Diesel by playing Grand Theft Auto for ten hours straight instead of spending time with you? You have definitely lost sleep due to the male population, but by being a booty call, you can sleep easy knowing at the end of the day, you don’t have to claim that idiot as your own.
- It saves battery power.
He will not be blowing up your phone wondering what you are doing. He is only going to contact you on an as-needed basis. Short, sweet, and to the point, most likely something like, “Come over, let’s do the no pants dance!” or even simpler, “Mom left.”
- Your nights have freed up.
It is so annoying when a man wants to see you all the time. “Dinner and a movie?” “Mini golf and frozen yogurt?” “Since you don’t feel well, how about I come over with soup and the new Bridget Jones movie?” No woman actually likes a decent man who wants to spend time with her. That is just weird.
- You don’t have to do girlfriend things.
You don’t have to buy him presents, you don’t have to offer to watch his cat when he goes out-of-town for work, and you don’t have to wash his nasty underwear with the holes in it! He can recruit some other Tinder broad for that. You are the booty call and your purpose is to make sure that twin bed is rocking!
- There is no false hope.
No worrying that there are mixed feelings or that he is going to fall in love with you. This is no fairy tale, Walt Disney creation that has a happy, drawn out love story like a Nicholas Sparks romance novel. You get what you pay for, and if there were something cheaper than the Dollar Store, you would be getting the Blue Light Special!
If you haven’t figured it out by now, this was written out of love and sarcasm. The answer is simple when it comes to being a booty call – HELL, NO. Girlfriend, you are worth a hell of a lot more than a hookup. While a “man” may try to rationalize with you the positives to being a bedroom buddy, the only positive in this scenario is that you found out he was a douchebag before it was too late. Tell that lovely gentleman to continue on his Tinder search to finding the perfect “cuddle buddy” for his basement rendezvous and that you are too busy being amazing to settle for that BS. You shouldn’t have had to read this to figure it out, but I hope it puts no doubt in your mind that you are better than that – and that it made you giggle a bit. Go out, conquer the world, and find the Ronald Weasley to your Hermione Granger!
Featured image via Olya Kobruseva on Pexels
This is funny . Yes be a hoe free at no cost wear your stuff out so you will no be considered wife material. I love it .
FYI some sti don’t show up until 6 months later after being infectioned so technically it’s not a good idea to become a booty call unless you have all the protection you can receive. Some sti are skin on skin contact. But it’s very risky . You are gambling with your life if you take that route.