Our 20’s is a time for us to be selfish, to take risks. It’s a time to travel the world, move to a different city, see what the world has to offer outside of our comfort zones. It’s a time to find yourself, a time to begin your journey in the reality that we spent our whole lives trying to avoid.
Our 20’s should also be a time where you should be able to date and talk to whoever the hell we want without feeling a sense of judgement from others. It’s a time where we should be able to go grab drinks with the guy we met on Tinder, while simultaneously texting our cute guy back at home, simply because we can. And simply because we don’t give a flying f*ck.
I’m always talking to a guy. I go out and talk to a different person every night and sometimes kiss them too. I have a compiled list of numbers in my phone starting with the guy’s first name and ending with the bar I met them at: Derek Lit, Pete Coogans, Alex Jery Remy’s– the list continues. When I’m bored, I scroll through Tinder, and converse with 4 or 5 guys at time that usually start and end the same way. No matter how many times I have to copy and paste my responses to the “what are you looking to do after school?” question, it doesn’t get old. And to be completely honest, I don’t remember a time in my life where there wasn’t some guy on my radar.
One time I made a promise to myself that I would “give up boys” until Christmas. Ha. It lasted about a week. I found myself Tindering and texting all over again.
For some reason, I wanted to hate myself for it. I wanted to allow myself to believe that “I don’t know how to be alone,” and others tried to convince me too. The stigma behind women always having a guy in their life has painted us as desperate, pathetic, and helpless. We have low self confidence so we look to men to make us feel desired. We don’t love ourselves, so we need men to complete us. We need to learn how to be alone; we need to learn how to be independent and strong.
I think that is a load of bullshit.
I don’t date or talk to multiple men because I need to feel loved. I don’t date men to lift my low self esteem or to fill some emptiness in my heart. I date because it’s fun. I like chatting and getting to know people because it helps me better understand myself. I date because I don’t have a wedding ring on my finger and I date because I can and want to; not because I need to.
I used to be ashamed of the “long list of ex-lovers” I have. Some people roll their eyes when I talk about a new guy in my life because it always seems to change. My romantic life is constantly a whirlwind, but it’s one that I put myself in. Not because I fear “being alone,” but because it keeps my life fresh, fun, and exciting; something that I think your 20’s should be all about.
“You don’t know how to be alone.” You’re right. I have no clue how to be alone. That’s because I never allow myself to be alone. I constantly surround myself with people who I care about and who give my life more purpose. I don’t want to be alone, why is that a bad thing?
I like when guys compliment me. I like when I get a “how are you” text message from a guy I’m interested in. I like making out with random guys, and I enjoy the thrill of meeting someone new at the bar. And if you ask me to get drinks sometime, I probably will. I’d rather have a thousand different flings than settle for one person at a time in my life where I simply don’t want to settle. I’m not going to limit myself from talking to somebody to appease the opinions of others. I’m a huge flirt and I won’t be sorry for it.
I don’t define myself based on the guy I’m seeing. I’m not a girl who emotionally invests herself in men constantly. In fact, at this point in my life, I don’t really emotionally invest myself in anyone but myself. I’m strong. I’m independent. I’m happy. And I date a lot of guys. So what?
I’m happily single and I’m happily dating. It’s possible to be both at the same time. And I’m tired of answering to people who disagree.
So, what’s my point here? Date, talk to, sleep with, or make out with whoever the hell you want to without feeling like you’re doing something wrong. Because you’re not. Grab drinks with a guy even if he might not be your type. Give out your number on Tinder as many times as you want. So what if you and your ex just broke up? Don’t allow other people to tell you what you’re emotionally ready for and certainly don’t allow other people to tell you that you “don’t know how to be alone.” Defining your choices based on the opinions of others is one of the worst things you can do for yourself, so don’t.
You aren’t weak for always wanting to feel desired. You’re desired for a reason, so just go with it. You’re young and hot. It won’t last, so make the most of it.
Featured image via Valeria C Preisler on Flickr
You’ll know why in 10 years
I mean you are totally right. However, it seem more like a tactic to not be hurt then you actually enjoying ”dating”. But hey to each it’s own.
Hey Max,
To be completely honest, I don’t know if it’s that I enjoy “dating,” it’s that I genuinely enjoy meeting new people. And if meeting new people means grabbing a drink or dinner, then, I guess that could be considered a date. Regardless, I’ve been hurt plenty of times, trust me. But, I guess if I never put myself out there I’ll never really find someone worth keeping around, right? Thanks for the comment, though, I do appreciate it.
Beth
From a guys perspective I think this is great, not because after reading this it makes me think I have a chance to go out with you, although you are beautiful and sound like an amazing person, but because I am a 23 year old college student that does something very similar. I’m trying to find myself and what I will want in life or at least I’m trying to do that. We are in college and this is the time we should be able to do whatever we want and when we want too. We should not be judged based on our actions but judged based on who we are as a person. Unfortunately in today’s world we get judged based on everything we do and if we do something different than the average population then we are viewed to be the one that is in the wrong, when really none of it should matter, and in the end it doesn’t really matter. keep doing your own thing, stay strong and beautiful.
I like what you are saying here. However, this kind of turns off the really passionate guys, like myself that when I am interested in a woman I pursue her by making some small sacrifices that don’t detract from my self journey. I don’t want to be one of a hundred flings, I work to be your favorite guy you talk to. It doesn’t mean you have to settle by any means; live your life, FIND YOURSELF. Do your thing, and stay beautiful. Just my opinion.
precisely^ @Beth “however on the other hand, you sound like taking the passionate guys for granted, why not try to put yourself in their shoes, perhaps you could understand what we meant..” FYI, I’m not saying that you were right or wrong after all these are some of my opinions.
You are awesome
I think this sums up a lot of what is wrong with society today, not with women specifically, but people in general. First, the whole myth of, “your 20s is the time to be selfish,” implies that the people who apply this motto to their life somehow want to get all of the selfishness out of their system while they’re young so that later on they can be selfless or just not have regrets. I’ve heard this phrase a lot, and it never sits well with me. Why is it ever good to be selfish? Why has the word selfish itself become empowering to people? Selfishness is a horrible idea, and it’s why society, especially American society is slowly deteriorating socially. If everyone applies the selfishness as empowering model to their lives, what will that do to us collectively? Also, I don’t see where selfishness and traveling the world are connected. You can travel or do just about anything in life that you want and still remain unselfish. I just have a problem with selfishness being seen as a positive attribute on anyone. Another thing about “getting it all out of your system in your 20s” is also a myth, as if when we’re in our 20s we are in a bubble and can do everything that we want without it affecting our psychology or personality later on. If you spend your whole 20s being selfish, you won’t just wake up one day in your 30s and suddenly be unselfish. No that’s not what will happen. The author is right in the sense that our 20s are very formative years, but they are formative BECAUSE they allow us to slowly develop into the people we will be for the rest of our lives. One who’s motto is to be selfish and emotionally unavailable in his twenties is developing himself into a selfish and emotionally unavailable person, and will either remain that way for the rest of his life because he is satisfied being forever selfish and emotionally unavailable, or even more sad, one day he will realize (on his own or because he loses someone significant in his life) what kind of human being he is and he will go seek therapy to reverse all of the selfishness that he told himself is “empowering.” What’s my point here? No, the author should not feel judged by others for doing what she wants to do. However, it is naive of her to think that her actions now in her 20s or any actions for that matter will have absolutely no long-term effects on her or her future relationships. Also, selfishness is not empowering, whether you are 3 years old or 22 years old or 60 years old. It’s just sad and immature. (Oh and I’m also a female in my early 20s)
well said^ (I’m a male in my early 20s btw)
Lina, you could have not said it any better. After reading this article, there was something that erked me. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I was going to settle for just that. Until I read your paragraph. Looks like I feel the same way you do!
I have to disagree with you. From my pov.. I am as well in my 20s and I firmly believe that it’s perfectly fine to be selfish in your 20s because it’s a way to find yourself. Sure everything has its consequences but I find nothing wrong with making mistakes and learning from them. That is the only way one will learn and better future actions meanwhile discovering your likes, dislikes, what your willing to settle for, and what you won’t settle for. As for you calling her naive.. we only have one life and we don’t know when it will come to an end. We’re living in the now, not the future.
This is so insanely perfect I can’t even
You give me life!!!!!!
Selfishness simply is a word that describes loving ourselves as who we are- our own identities before they are compromised by anything or anyone. Who we want to be and where we are going in our path… these main goals arent compromised by anyone because we need to stay whole before during and after any relationships. Thats why we have to think about our own wellbeings and our own identities (goals path values)… hence, “selfish.” It has nothing to do with intentionally hurting anyone or using others for our own good, no.