I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try, there is no changing you. I’ve done it all; I’ve helped you through your problems as best as I could, I’ve let you solve them on your own, I’ve cut you off cold-turkey, and I’ve tried getting through to you through other people.
Everyone around me told me a very long time ago that you were nothing but toxic. They knew I loved you but also knew I couldn’t continue to love you. They sat by me through every story, tear and mental breakdown, all of which involved you. I should have taken them more seriously before things escalated.
Our history is so long, we could create a class on it for teenagers. It would be a warning as to why they shouldn’t get into these types of situations. They should know about the long-lasting damage it caused.
The mutual love and respect we once had for each other is long gone, which is becoming more evident over time. At one point, in terms of friendship and consent, you were an example for how men should treat women. But those traits have disappeared over the past few years.
I can’t keep going through this pattern. I can’t get one version of you one day and another the next. I can’t keep having you as a prominent figure in my life to reducing you to nothing but a thought. I shouldn’t have to think about when you will come back and how you’ll be when you do. I never waited for you then, and I definitely won’t now.
I went from walking on eggshells around you to avoid certain emotions from coming out, but now, I’m stomping on them with conviction. I refuse to suppress my emotions anymore. I’m going to make myself heard loud and clear, and I know you won’t like it, but you’re going to have to deal with it. I’ve been playing the act of the carefree, timid girl for far too damn long.
I’ve learned that I didn’t know the real you, and I’ve also learned that you definitely don’t know the real me. You know the “people-pleaser” me, the person who hates causing conflict and sets aside her needs for others. But I’ve had enough. I’m letting go of you, and I’m taking my heart and my emotions with me. You don’t deserve to have them anymore.
The good news is that I don’t get excited to hear from you anymore. Gone are the days where I’d be blushing and getting butterflies at the thought of seeing you. Now, when I see your name pop up, I immediately roll my eyes. I hate suffering through our awful small talk. You’re only speaking to me half the time to be polite and to find out if I’ll still be there for you when you need me to be.
I’m not scared to lose you anymore, nor do I care if I disappoint you. In fact, you’re the one losing me. There is no more loyalty, friendship or interaction. It’s all gone.
I don’t need your negativity in my life any more. You can sit there and call me a miserable, unhappy or bitter person. I don’t care. But just know that you evoked every one of those emotions from me.
You brought out a depressed, insecure and terrified little girl. You taught me lessons about myself that I’d never want to take back because they did promote the best growth I’ve ever experienced, but you also tore me apart and destroyed me.
I vow to never put myself through that much stress in my life again. I will never care about someone and something so unhealthy ever again.
I know I’ll have my moments of weakness where I’ll miss you because I know you will always be there. But I can’t keep killing myself over and over again because of you. I shouldn’t hate myself for caring about someone who doesn’t care about me.
I’ve finally come to the point where I just don’t care about you anymore, and it’s about damn time.
Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash
