You’re still the one my mind floats to when I’m lost in thought. Drifting through old memories and slowly analyzing each occurrence. I could see something so simple and reflect on our time together surrounding that object or location. I remember it all so vividly when I know you have no recollection, or memory of me.
You’re still the one I look for in a crowded room. I know you won’t be there but it gives me a little bit of hope and that’s all I need to get me through it. Although I’m always disappointed when I don’t see you in my places I know I might, I still have hope for the next time. And that will never change.
You’re still the familiar voice I wish to hear on the other end of the phone when I’m having a rough day. Your loyalty to me has always been one of your most admirable qualities and the fact you wouldn’t let me get off the phone if you knew I wasn’t happy.
You’re still the one I wish to hear from every once in awhile just to know you’re okay. Your words of affirmation always had the superpower to help me through my darkest times, and you had the ability to reassure me when I craved it the most. No one will ever compare to you in terms of making me feel safe.
You’re still the one I want to spend my late nights with curled in bed with a vanilla bean scented candle dimly lighting the room while we watched TV marathons. That was the only scent you could tolerate of mine and every time I smell it I think of you. And the theme song to our favorite show still haunts me and causes a slight pain in my chest of hurt because you aren’t here to watch it with me.
You’re still the one my body craves in the most desirable ways. I still crave your touch, your kiss and the physical love you shared. I desire you in ways you can’t imagine and there is nothing more than that I want to experience one last time.
But I know I can’t do that to myself again.
I refuse to look like a fool for loving you and choosing you yet again. I’m aware that you don’t want me. And I couldn’t go back to someone who just doesn’t value me the way I deserve to be.
With each day and each interaction, I have to fight the urge to get you back into my life as much as possible, simply because I know our fate is doomed before it begins. You can’t fix a heart that’s so broken by affiliating yourself with the reason it broke in the first place.
It sucks constantly being torn between the good memories and the reality, but it’s something I can only avoid for so long until I have to cut one of those two options off. I know I can’t bring back the person you were in the beginning or change you for the better, so I have to deal with the memories until I make new ones with someone who actually values me.
Featured image via Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
