The Difficult Truth About Moving On From A Toxic Relationship

If you ever read this, don’t get me wrong, we had tons of good moments that I still reminisce, and dwell on. They are also the ones that helped me unsee all that toxicity. But since the day you left, my eyes opened again. I woke up to the realization that you will not be here anymore. Your farewell has been paralyzing my hands from writing. And finally, with the tiny bits of courage inside me I’m telling you that I miss you. Even though I know it’s not right. I can’t help but feel the void you caused in my world.

I miss the way you were so close to me.

I miss the infinite and selfless love we used to have.

I miss how you used to make my face radiate euphoria that everybody kept commenting about it,

I miss how our life was ours; no space for anybody else’s interference.

I miss the names you call me,

I miss our outings and the times we used to gaze at the stars,

I miss our shared laughter,

I miss the way you cared about me,

I miss the way you used to spoil me.

I miss the bouquets and chocolates you brought me to make up for our big fights.

Most importantly, I miss the person you were when we first met, or I thought you were.

I can’t find much to miss as our relationship was mostly toxic, I don’t remember much of the good moments, all that I see is the endless fights, the way you want to dominate, the way you always felt your manhood threatened, the way you get jealous from any other person approaching me, the way you felt competitive with the world, and the way you rage.

I don’t remember much of our romantic details,

I remember you controlling whom I talk to and who I go out with.

I remember you criticizing me, my family and my friends.

I remember you getting all vulnerable from every joke I make,

I remember you letting people come between us,

I remember you always giving me less than what I deserve,

I remember your nagging about things I didn’t want to do,

I remember you deliberately perceiving my strengths as flaws.

I remember you talking about how I suffocate you, about how selfish I’m for always wanting to see you whenever I have the chance, I remember you accusing me for your isolation from the whole world.

I remember abstaining from many things that I wanted to do just for your ignorant sake.

I remember loving and living my life the way you want; like it’s your toy and you control the switch.

I remember your problems burdening my shoulders and frailing my knees like it’s a debt I’m  paying for loving you,

I remember the vengeance burning in my veins when you keep saying that every fault is mine.

I remember how it agonized me every single time you tell me that I never confess my mistakes.

I remember the countless times you humiliated me, and how I ask politely afterward to treat me better.

I remember your scowling at me every time I get forgetful and not caring about how it’s out of my hands, no matter how many times I justify it for you.

I remember you getting so mad at me just because I didn’t dedicate all of my attention to you in public.

I remember you glorifying your pride and talking about how it can’t be messed with while you’ve made me already bury mine in the dirt long ago,

I also remember you putting it above me and above everything we build together, above our promises of never walking out on one another, above agreeing on “I can never come near your pride.”

I remember siding with you against all the world, but you let me down when we were trying to take our first step of spending eternity together.

I remember condoning all my morality because I thought that you are my one in a lifetime exception.

I remember giving you so much,

I remember you sucking all the life in me to satisfy your dark desires.

I remember assassinating your raging storms while you turned the table on me.

I remember you asking me not to come near you and then blame me for not exerting effort to appease you.

I remember you when you were unable to bear my sadness.

I remember you picking up a fight after I’ve had a good day or came back from a good outing making me feel that happiness misfits me.

I remember biting my tongue and disregarding everything that hurt me because I can’t stand one more fight with you.

I remember the night you decided to walk away and leave it all behind you, like you were the one who is sorrowful, like you are the one who has a big bleeding wound in his chest!

I’m not trying to play the good and the bad guys’ role here. You were not the devil and I was not the angel. But the pain you caused by your fleeing opened up so many wounds that I thought were once healed.

I won’t deny the way you left me. And I won’t deny the fact that your love made me despise the whole idea of loving someone else, or loving at all. I even despise the fact that love now has to be directed to myself and no other thing but myself.

Now, I can fathom all what you did to me. I can tell that this is what they call “maltreatment.” I don’t remember much of who I was before you. But I don’t remember being this broken and gloomy on the inside.

But I’m no longer blind or under your spell.

Photo by Hanna Postova on Unsplash