I don’t know how long I’ll keep writing to you.
It’s been a while now since we parted, but I still feel the pain of your rueful farewell. I feel sorrow that I can’t talk about you, maybe because you’re not worthy of even mentioning, maybe because I now despise saying your name, or maybe because I am ashamed to say that I miss you after you broke my trust.
You made me doubt everything I know.
I’m now constantly weary of the thousands of questions in my head. You introduced me to a new world but left me alone to deal with it. It was a world full of mistrust, and thanks to you, my foe, I can no longer give my heart freely.
I can’t trust people’s words, I hysterically doubt people’s intentions, I irrationally quiz my instincts. Simple words have lost all meaning. I’m now drowning in an ocean of disbelief.
You were everything I knew.
I distanced myself from this universe to put myself in a parallel one, to provide you devotion and undivided attention. I spared you all my time. My heart granted you an infinite, immortal, unconditional love. I surrendered to the spider’s web you constructed around me. My heart wanted to make an empire out of you, but you were just a single, useless brick.
I wanted to take you with me and show you the beauty of this world, but your heart was full of hatred and ugliness. You wanted me to sink down with you, to the very bottom of a groundless pit.
You were too busy holding hate towards everyone, including me.
My trust issues don’t only protrude into my surroundings; they have also leaked into our memories. I have started to doubt every word you’ve said to me, wondering if you have ever loved me at all. Were you sincere when you romanticized me? Were all our future plans together genuine, or were they just to keep our conversations going?
Did you really know that forever doesn’t mean a month or two? When you spoke, did you just want to make our puzzle fall into place? Did you really fall for me, or did you just want us to feel like a love story in your mind?
Even though I have trillions of unanswered questions in my mind, I don’t really care to know their answers. You threw me away behind your back; you abandoned the hand that you used to hold. Now that I am a part of your past, I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t care about how you’re doing, about your news, or even about what you say about me behind my back.
I might be stuck on an emotional roller coaster, one that will never move me towards you again.
My emotional pain will stay safe inside my heart.
I will never reveal my feelings, for you might use them against me like the other secrets with which I trusted you.
Wish me a quick recovery from the agony you caused, my foe. The day I learn to trust again is the day when I will get over you.
Featured Photo by Anatol Lem on Unsplash.
That kind of spoke to me. In my distant past, I may not have been vastly different from the person who left her in pieces. Not a day passes where I do not regret my transgressions, or regret that there is no way to fix my wrongs.