You lie in his bed, awake but immobile, surrounded by the smells of sweat and shame. Your body feels dirty; drizzled in saliva and secretions, your ears still ring with the silent screams. Oh, this isn’t what you wanted; not what you had in mind at all.
What happened to that little girl who proudly vowed never again? What happened to that young woman who wanted to be fierce and independent?
It’s kind of the worst place to realize your younger self would absolutely hate you.
You trudge into her lamplit office, outwardly lethargic but inwardly anxious. You excitedly dive onto the couch, ready to release the heavy load that weighs upon your heart. The aroma of lavender and soft trickle of the waterfall soothe your turbulent soul. It’s all that you ever wanted; the safe haven you’ve dreamed to find.
What happened to that dark, twisty teen who chewed up therapists and spit them out? What happened to the days of silent stares from across the room, refusing to let them in?
It’s kind of the best place to realize your younger self would absolutely hate you.
You gaze bitterly into the mirror, sighing deeply at the hideous life form staring back at you. Your face seems unrecognizable; covered in wrinkles and bags under your eyes, your body looks horrifically disfigured and malformed. Oh, this isn’t what you pictured; this isn’t what you imagined your life to be at all.
What happened to those promises that someday things would be different? What happened to the proclamations to start loving yourself and accepting that it’s not all your fault?
It’s kind of the worst place to realize your younger self would absolutely hate you.
You sit at a table, smiling and laughing, surrounded by thumping music and flashing lights. Your body feels free. Your spirit soars as you make your way out to the dance floor hand in hand with your “sister from another mister.” Heat radiates off the others dancing all around you. The music pulses through your veins and hypnotizes your soul. It’s all your heart has ever desired; all that girl inside has ever craved.
What happened to that lonesome thrasher who promised to never sell out? What happened to that young adult who was destined to never have fun?
It’s kind of the best place to realize your younger self would absolutely hate you.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice; time stops for no one. The only constant in this world is change; the perpetual transformation from your first breath until your last. The changing of the season and the turning of the page; they all bring out different parts of you whether you like it or not. It’s important to remember that we are constantly changing with every breath we take.
You’ll always find yourself in moments where, when you stop and think, your younger self would hate you… but, love, that’s really quite OK.
Previously Published on Thought Catalog
Photo by Hassan Bashiri on Unsplash
